I am obese.
Please don't argue. Doctors have talked to me about it and it doesn't take a genius to look in the mirror and know that you are way bigger than you should be.
It's sweet for you to say, "Oh, no, you're beautiful!" or "Oh, Sara, you are not THAT BIG." But I am. And I've really come to terms with it, and I would like for you to, too. (Note: being beautiful and being thin are not mutually exclusive. I am a big girl, and I know that I am also an attractive woman).
So when I try to talk to you about gaining/losing weight, exercising, dieting, or any of the other zillion things that go along with being fat, don't try to change my mind or dissuade me. I understand that your heart's in the right place, but you're not helping.
For those of you who aren't fat and don't realize that the following doesn't help either: "Oh, well if you could just eat less (insert fad diet or pseudo-scientific belief here) and exercise more you'd lose weight. It's not that hard."
Fuck you.
Yes it is. If you are not a doctor and have never been more than 20 pounds away from your ideal weight, I don't want to hear any advice from you. Being a thin person doesn't make you an expert on weight loss or [especially] my body.
So let me tell you what it's like.
It's like being a drug addict. Eating is the most important thing in my life. I plan my day around when, where, and what I can eat. I get nervous and cranky if I'm craving food and I don't get it. If I'm deprived of whatever I happen to be craving long enough, I will devise a plan to get it. I will sneak out of my house in the middle of the night or skip class and get fast food or sweets. I will hide food in my car and go places where I can eat alone, in peace, without judgment. The food doesn't have to taste good, I just have to get what I want.
My life is a constant stream of humiliation. I feel ashamed when I eat. I feel anxious when I get dressed in the morning. I don't eat much at all in front of other people unless I feel very, very comfortable with them and consider them a true friend. Shopping for clothes is the most painstaking, depressing, stressful experience for me. In public, I am constantly tugging at my clothes or sitting a certain way or wearing sweaters to mask as much of my body as I possibly can. When I do exercise, I feel like everyone at the gym or on the street is judging me for showing my fat ugly face in the exclusive territory of the thin elite.
I know that many healthy, not-overweight people will read this and think, "Well, you did it to yourself. It's your own fault."
Yes. Yes it is. AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SORRY FOR ANYTHING IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. I WANT TO CHANGE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. I feel so guilty for letting this happen. I feel like I killed someone. I feel like I took away the prospects I had for leading a normal, happy life.
Am I being melodramatic? Maybe. But look at our culture. Fat people are the last minority group it's okay to hate. They are constantly made fun of, ridiculed, or prejudiced against and it's okay because everyone's in on the joke. There is a TV show called The Biggest Loser where overweight people are shamed and humiliated into losing massive amounts of weight in unhealthy crash programs. Seriously? The name of the show is The Biggest Loser??? And people think it's great, they think it's really heartwarming television. If Britney Spears gains ten pounds she's "fat and lazy." And you wonder why she went batshit crazy?
I want to lose weight. I am always "trying" to lose weight. I just want to be treated like a normal person. Being fat does not make me stupid. I know that sweets are horrible for me. I know that high-fat foods are awful for me. I know that literally everything I like to eat is bad for me. Please don't be condescending or assume that I don't know these obvious, elementary things. When you see someone smoke a cigarette, do you say, "You know, cigarettes cause cancer and emphysema. You should just stop smoking those, or try this patch, or try this gum, or take this pill."?
I can't write anymore. I'm just exhausted from this.
