Pieces

Waiting for packages
To arrive
On a nondescript Wednesday
A half empty glass of rose on the coffee table, an unfinished chapter of a book
Unfolded clean clothes in a laundry basket
These pieces of things that populate your life
Anticipating their conclusion
Or climax, even
Only to be replaced by less climactic
Less conclusive

Meta Mac and Cheese

So let's say maybe there was alcohol involved or something? And I decided to make macaroni and cheese at 12 am.
And blog about it.

So le boyfriend has been on vacation for fourish days now, I've been avoiding writing anything for even longer, and my sleeping patterns are woefully off. So I'm awake, hungry from only eating one meal yesterday (lupper? I didn't wake up till noon and didn't eat till 3), and feeling slightly lonesome and lots of silly, and I make macaroni and cheese.  The boxed kind, Annie's Bunny Pasta with Yummy Cheese. Yep, because I'm an adult, and that's what adults eat. But seriously, it is delicious and adorable. Yummy fo sho.

So anyway, this boxed mac and cheese made me think about the AMAZING bleu mac and cheese I had at Bistro Byronz last weekend wif my moms. I can't even talk about it right now, but it was rotinni with this bleu cheese sauce that just blew my mind. It was out of control.

So at this point, I'm having like...mac and cheese nostalgia. So I start looking up recipes (like how all my sentences start with "So..."?). And I find one that sounds REAL nice on allrecipes.com. So I decide to make that recipe, just with a few twists.

I didn't have elbow pasta, cubed ham, or the specific cheeses she said, so I just used what I had:  rotinni (which I was kinda hankerin for already, anyway), a little extra everything else instead of ham, and some Italian cheese blends and "American" (Monterrey Jack, Colby, Cheddar, etc.) blends that I had leftover from when I bought WAY too much cheese for this delicious potato casserole recipe my mom sent me which I kind of wish I had blogged about because I KNOW it was awesome, and I haven't actually eaten this mac and cheese yet at the moment I am writing these words.

That, my friends, is what we call a "run-on sentence."

So anyway. Here's the recipe I ended up using (just a slight variation of the one from allrecipes.com):

• 1 (12 oz) package of rotinni
• 6 tbsp. butter
• 5 heaping tbsp. whole wheat flour
• 5 cu. warm milk (I use fat free organic, but I'm sure whole milk or cream would be heavenly)
• Salt and black pepper to taste
• Pinch of cayenne pepper
• 1 tsp. onion powder
• 1 tsp. garlic powder
• 1/2 tsp. chili powder
• 3 oz. Shurefine brand shredded Italian blend (mozzarella, provolone, parmasean, asiago, fontina, and romano -- yum!)
• 5 oz., plus one 8 oz. bag (to sprinkle on top) Kraft Classic Melts 4 Cheese shredded blend (American, sharp cheddar, white cheddar, monterey jack)

From there, I pretty much followed her directions, to the best of my ability:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a big ass Pyrex pan -- I'm not sure what size mine is exactly but I'd guess 9"x13", kind of oval shaped. Boil a pot of water (I generally just fill mine up about 3/4 of the way but I'm sure following the directions on the pasta package would be a good plan, too :)) and add pasta. Add pasta and cook for 8-10 minutes, or until desired tenderness/firmness is achieved. Drain pasta and place in greased baking dish.
2. In a medium saucepan over low heat, melt butter and whisk in flour gradually to make a roux. (Pictures did not occur to me until later in this process, sorry guys.)  Cook for a few minutes on low to medium heat, then gradually add warm milk (so it doesn't curdle) little by little to make a white (or light brown, if you're using whole wheat flour like me) sauce. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer. Add spices and stir till sauce thickens (You may notice I used various different spices in small amounts -- I like mine spicy, and I used the same spices I used when I make chicken and dumplings. You could use whatever sounds good to you, I'm sure. I actually wish mine would have been spicier -- some Tony Chachere's would not hurt it a bit).
3. Remove pan from heat and stir in first 8 oz of cheeses gradually. Pour over pasta in dish and stir to evenly distribute sauce and fill pan. Like so:

 (Incidentally, I got this app on my phone that's suppost to make your pictures look cool automatically, and I was trying it out during this process. Evidently, it kind of sucked. Or I was a little sloppy.)

4.  Then you put 8 oz. of cheese on top. I kind of wished I had used more, believe it or not, because it got kind of thin after it cooked. And it was the best part, you know.

I put a little paprika on top (the original recipe said to do it in a "design", which sounded like a good idea at the time), but I think it ended up looking like an anchor, or maybe a swastika...

And then I baked it for 35 minutes at 350. And then it looked like this, so I figured it was done:

And then I got my first piece, and I was feeling picture-happy:

Yum, right?!

Right! It was good, but I do think it would have been way better with a little more spice and some ham in it. But very enjoyable and certainly satisfied my craving.

Which made me think about why I was spending an hour in the middle of the night, carefully making a roux and gently whisking warm milk. Andy can tell you that I never cook, and this is actually the second time this week I've painstakingly made some comfort food.

(**UPDATE**:  Tony's and extra cheese HELPED. nomgggasdf.)

I think these are the lengths I go to to avoid writing. I don't know why it's so so intimidating for me to just get started, but I wrote a sentence this evening and I felt accomplished. I'm not even a very good cook -- I never follow the recipes like I should and it doesn't always work out well -- but I was being extra super careful to make sure everything was delicious.

And then I decided to blog about it (sorry if I'm getting a little meta here...), to further delay any actual writing. WTF? Right after that crazyface post about being fat, amiright?

Anyway, all I'm saying is that I feel ridiculous right now.

The Fat Girl's Manifesto; Or, How to Be Supportive and Not Judgemental or Hurtful to Someone Who is Trying to Lose Weight

I am obese.

Please don't argue. Doctors have talked to me about it and it doesn't take a genius to look in the mirror and know that you are way bigger than you should be.

It's sweet for you to say, "Oh, no, you're beautiful!" or "Oh, Sara, you are not THAT BIG." But I am. And I've really come to terms with it, and I would like for you to, too. (Note: being beautiful and being thin are not mutually exclusive. I am a big girl, and I know that I am also an attractive woman).

So when I try to talk to you about gaining/losing weight, exercising, dieting, or any of the other zillion things that go along with being fat, don't try to change my mind or dissuade me. I understand that your heart's in the right place, but you're not helping.

For those of you who aren't fat and don't realize that the following doesn't help either: "Oh, well if you could just eat less (insert fad diet or pseudo-scientific belief here) and exercise more you'd lose weight. It's not that hard."

Fuck you.

Yes it is. If you are not a doctor and have never been more than 20 pounds away from your ideal weight, I don't want to hear any advice from you. Being a thin person doesn't make you an expert on weight loss or [especially] my body.

So let me tell you what it's like.

It's like being a drug addict. Eating is the most important thing in my life. I plan my day around when, where, and what I can eat. I get nervous and cranky if I'm craving food and I don't get it. If I'm deprived of whatever I happen to be craving long enough, I will devise a plan to get it. I will sneak out of my house in the middle of the night or skip class and get fast food or sweets. I will hide food in my car and go places where I can eat alone, in peace, without judgment. The food doesn't have to taste good, I just have to get what I want.

My life is a constant stream of humiliation. I feel ashamed when I eat. I feel anxious when I get dressed in the morning. I don't eat much at all in front of other people unless I feel very, very comfortable with them and consider them a true friend. Shopping for clothes is the most painstaking, depressing, stressful experience for me. In public, I am constantly tugging at my clothes or sitting a certain way or wearing sweaters to mask as much of my body as I possibly can. When I do exercise, I feel like everyone at the gym or on the street is judging me for showing my fat ugly face in the exclusive territory of the thin elite.

I know that many healthy, not-overweight people will read this and think, "Well, you did it to yourself. It's your own fault."

Yes. Yes it is. AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SORRY FOR ANYTHING IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. I WANT TO CHANGE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. I feel so guilty for letting this happen. I feel like I killed someone. I feel like I took away the prospects I had for leading a normal, happy life.

Am I being melodramatic? Maybe. But look at our culture. Fat people are the last minority group it's okay to hate. They are constantly made fun of, ridiculed, or prejudiced against and it's okay because everyone's in on the joke. There is a TV show called The Biggest Loser where overweight people are shamed and humiliated into losing massive amounts of weight in unhealthy crash programs. Seriously? The name of the show is The Biggest Loser??? And people think it's great, they think it's really heartwarming television. If Britney Spears gains ten pounds she's "fat and lazy." And you wonder why she went batshit crazy?

I want to lose weight. I am always "trying" to lose weight. I just want to be treated like a normal person. Being fat does not make me stupid. I know that sweets are horrible for me. I know that high-fat foods are awful for me. I know that literally everything I like to eat is bad for me. Please don't be condescending or assume that I don't know these obvious, elementary things. When you see someone smoke a cigarette, do you say, "You know, cigarettes cause cancer and emphysema. You should just stop smoking those, or try this patch, or try this gum, or take this pill."?

I can't write anymore. I'm just exhausted from this.

The Obligatory Twilight Post: Take 2

Twilight post, revamped/edited for the Reveille.

I always forget to repost my columns on my poor lil ole blog...

Sorry, fellas.

How Not to be Awkward on a First Date

How Not to be a Total Douche in Class

I've been busy

cornifying my blog and writing columns about bars and making this mock up of a dress:

The Latest.

First in a series on how not to act like an asshole.

Ain't Misbehavin